Letter for group editing:
You did a great job of tugging on the reader’s heart. I was deeply touched by the paper on the whole. After I read it, I wanted to reach out to the youth of America who have to deal with their sexual orientation during the most awkward time of their life. Initially, the first sentence just makes you read on, you want to know why, who, and possibly what the reaction was from his sister, which you may want to include. After having read the third page, I just wished that someone could have helped him, I was deeply saddened. I loved the piece on a whole; I thought it was very thoughtful, deep, and detailed. I wouldn’t say that anything was confusing, but I would suggest using more colorful language, that would pull on the readers heart strings even more.
I felt as though the message of the narrative was to describe what life is like for a young person discovering their sexuality, focusing on a boy of the Catholic faith. You certainly do a great job of highlighting his struggles, the situation on a whole, and his fears. He fears that his peers will find out and that his struggle to hide his homosexuality will fail and his life will be over. He feels like all has failed anyway, because even his faith won’t accept him. He feels like that is the place, of all places, he should feel welcome and accepted. The issue probably emerges in the second paragraph, “Robbie was always considered to be an outsider among his peers at the all boy Catholic school”. I found that you clearly unveil the issue thoroughly throughout the paper, because as the reader reads on they find the issue in detail. This narrative illuminates the human condition in the fact that this is not an uncommon struggle among teens, it really does happen. Through this narrative the reader can see someone’s true struggle and story as well as the story of his family.
I think that may want to improve on the imagery, make it more vivid, and be more descriptive. Using more colorful words would help do this. On the whole, I think the paper may benefit from more detail throughout; you may just have to improvise. I found the detail in the first paragraph particularly appealing.
This narrative is definitely biographical. You are telling someone else’s story and it is a teenage male’s story. I believe the climax of your paper may rest in the boy’s visits to the counselor. The reader can find suspense in the first paragraph when you are describing his sister finding his body. I would pinpoint one of the main conflicts at the end when the school would not permit his mother to come speak to the student body and the other just being his struggle with accepting his own sexuality.
You do a great job of developing Robbie’s character, though you may want to create some ethos. You want the reader to know that they can trust your knowledge of this story, though you do seem pretty familiar with Robbie and his situation as well as the topic. You may want to ask Dr. Malesh how you could do this more effectively.
You may want to make the element of time more clear, how much time goes by in when telling this story, it sounds like it may be a couple of years. Is it? The event that the narrative is centered around is tangible and the elements of the story interact very well. I would recommend using your quotes more effectively, perhaps refer to the sheet Dr. Malesh gave to us in class; it would make the narrative flow more effectively.
Great job overall, I really enjoyed reading it! ~ Emily