EFordwrite

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Letter of Revision within my group:

Kat,

I think you did an excellent job with this paper, it was an easy read and really easy to understand. The layout was very effective though you may want to cut some of the research out, and paraphrase some of the longer quotes, but keep the long quote if they are from Robbie’s family.
It is my impression that you are writing this journal to tell the world or your audience about the repercussions of shunning homosexuals in the Catholic Church. You walk your audience through the challenges and hardships that Robbie goes through as a young Catholic homosexual. I think that it is your goal for your audience to really see how it affects homosexuals when they are treated as they are in the Catholic Church as well as being a young person in a society where they are teased relentlessly. I think that your paper is informative, it reads in a narrative sense, and it is a bit persuasive. I think your paper gives an in depth look at topic/problem on a whole, and not only do you inform your reader of that, you also give them a first hand example, which is more of the narrative aspect. Personally I am persuaded by your paper, it opens my eyes to another side of homosexuals being shunned by the Church and the affects it has not only on adults but the youth of America as well. As a reader we learn all about the issues that Christians have with homosexuality, we learn about Robbie through is sister and mother, and the different organizations of support that are offered to homosexuals and the benefits from them.
I believe that based on the identified audience, those who read the Journal of American Catholics, this essay provides enough background information. You may in fact have too much information because many Catholics know about this debate and their beliefs along with the belief of their church. I have found your paper and topic to be engaging and your concepts along with your ideas connect and flow very well.
I know that you are very creditable with this topic and all the information you have included in your works including this one thus far, however you may want to make some changes to show your blind reader that you are creditable. For example you may want to include that you have interviewed his mother, Leslie Sadasivan and his sister, Danielle. You have done a good job discussing the different views on this topic and have included a history, however I think paraphrasing some of your long quotes would make you a more creditable writer. By doing this the reader would see that you are not just including long quotes to get the hard facts out there. I think you have also shown that you are a creditable source through your organization of ideas. I feel as though every audience would know that you are just trying to tell a victims story, and that you had honest intentions.
I think that you convey the topic to the reader as they finish the first paragraph and they discover that Robbie is teenage homosexual. Then as they read the first word of the next paragraph they see homosexuality again so it’s nailed in their head. As they finish the first sentence of the second paragraph, you wrap it into homosexuality within the Christian religion.
I feel that the relevance to me as a “Catholic reader” is that I should take a stand within my Catholic Church, as well as taking a stand regarding how young adolescents view homosexuality. In general if this is your argument, make it more obvious throughout the whole paper, say that adolescents need to be taught not to tease people who are different, etc. Aren’t you fighting for teens and people like Robbie, aren’t you trying to stop this from happening again, tell your audiences and wrap it up in the conclusion in you think that it would be more effective. Overall it was a great paper, interesting and a good read, great work!

Emily

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